Seasons of Singleness

“If you are single, your singleness is not just where you happen to be right now.  It’s where God has you right now, and there’s world of difference between those two outlooks?”                -Dr. Tony Evans, Living Single

The second outlook is the best outlook!

I just turned 40 years old and I am still single.   I am not new to the idea of being single.  I have never been married.   Every single season in my life of singleness has been different, and ordained by God to make me into the person that I am today.   Let me explain why I say “every single season.”   The word “season” indicates a shift in attitude, a change of pace, a change or place, or a different vision or purpose.      I would like to talk about two very contrasting seasons of my single life that I know anyone can relate to if you’ve been single for 1 year  or 10 years.    My purpose in sharing these is to give you, child of God,  hope and inspiration that you can walk out of one season and into a new one!

The Season of Woe-Is-Me 

If you’ve been single for any amount of time, you know exactly what I mean.   It’s that kind of a wanton emotional state that doesn’t seem to ever go away.   It’s the season when everyone was getting married around me  – both of my sisters, every friend I’ve ever head, etc. etc.  BUT NOT ME!

After about the 10 engagement announcements or wedding invitations I received I felt like I wanted to wallow in self-pity and stare into the pit of despair.  I felt some amount of happiness for everyone getting hitched, but yet found myself at home by myself saying, “Why, God, why? And when God, when?!”  The questions ranged from – “What is wrong with me?” “Do I smell?”   “Do I need to dress better?”   “Am I too picky?”   Not a pretty season.

I’ve hit this season more than once.  Lasted several months to even a couple of years.   And possibly no one would ever know it.   I am a good actress.

I can remember watching a baby dedication at church one time in my late twenties and crying crocodile tears.  Not because I was touched, but because I was feeling sorry for myself and like – “I will never get married and have a baby. It’s over for me. It’s just never gonna happen.”   And then on top of it, every relationship I ever had was dangled like a carrot in front of my face by the Enemy of my soul, as He taunted me with lies and more lies….. “You missed out.”  “You can still have that guy, if you really want him.”  “You really screwed that one up.”  “You missed your last chance. There will be no more opportunities for love or romance.”   To top it off a lot of anger and resentment towards God really crept in, which completely rob me of my peace and joy for days on end.    Yeah, those haven’t been pleasant seasons, and usually I’ve gotten so miserable being miserable that I’ve crawled my way out of the pit and back into the arms of Jesus where life truly makes sense.

The Season of Being Enraptured with Jesus

That’s kind of a dramatic word, but I can’t think of a better one that more suits this season.   It’s the season where I cared for nothing but being with Jesus, loving Him, serving Him, and knowing Him.   The season where I could care less if I got a date on a weekend night, cause being with Him was enough.   He was all that I needed.   I remember one of these seasons succeeded the end of a relationship in my twenties.   I can remember someone saying to me, “Wow, you are so glowing.  You look amazing. What’s going on with you?!”   My response, “I just feel so in love with Jesus.” I wish I could remain in that season forever, but the desire for marriage does eventually pop back up again.    I am probably more in love with Jesus than ever now.  That love has matured and grown in each one of these seasons.  I became a different person in many ways.  More purposeful, more loving, more creative, more adventurous.  It’s the one where I relished my single days of having no other obligations to anyone and often spent a whole day or morning with Jesus with nothing pressing on me.    Tremendous security,  confidence, peace, and joy grounded me in these seasons.  Why?  Because I didn’t get to know myself better, but I got to know the One who made me better.   In that intimacy with Jesus all things were made new.  He made the Word come alive in me and it truly changed me from the inside out.

Next time,  I can tell you about some other seasons that I’ve walked through, and all the wisdom that I’ve learned through them.

What I want to leave with you today is….

You are not alone.  You may have feelings of feeling lonely, but you are never alone.  Bare your heart before the Lord, let Him take all the shame and the blame.  Surrender your heart and your life to Him in this season of singleness.     It’s where He has you right now.   He’s not punishing you.  He wants you to want Him more than a mate.   He knows that this is the key to your life.  Don’t be mad at Him, yourself, or anyone.   He loves you enough to have given you this gift of singleness for a season. It’s divinely ordained state.

Will you embrace it?

I highly recommend Get a Love Life by Michelle McKinney Hammond.    I’ve read a number of her books over the years, and her insight has helped me so much.

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,  its jealousy a unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. b

7Many waters cannot quench love;  rivers cannot sweep it away.

Song of Solomon 8:6-7 NIV

Why Singles Should Know Where They Want to Sit!

I am reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey.  It’s a best seller.  He talks about paradigms that we all have and how “where we stand, depends on where we sit.”  What is paradigm?  It’s the way we see the world in terms of perceiving, understanding, and interpreting. It’s essentially a map. A map is not the actual territory, it’s an explanation of certain aspects of the territory.  We all tend to interpret things in terms of the way things are and in the way things should be. These maps actually produce behaviors and attitudes.  And let me tell you as a single, this greatly influence our approach to relationships and dating.

I had a conversation with a group of people and one particular friend on a hot topic.  My friend was a champion on the views put forth in a new book on dating and singleness that she recently read. She seemed to wholeheartedly to agree with the principles that the writer put forth. As I listened, I thought completely along a different vantage point. Her background, experience in life, cultural, family, and church experience has shaped her view. So has all of this shaped mine.

Our stories are totally different. I mean, everyone’s stories are different, but ours happen to be VERY different.  I listened to her and thought honestly that she was agreeing with the writer’s own paradigm about the subject of dating. Her wants, desires, and experiences seem to line up with what he was saying, and she feels his ideas are true.  Not really wanting to get into an intense conversation, I didn’t really say much.   I respect where she’s coming from, and respect her as a person.  She has much faith in her own paradigm.  However, I have a fairly different paradigm at this stage in my life.  It looks nothing like the paradigm I used to have in my 20’s.  Thank God.

People sometimes use the Bible to support their ideas or paradigm on dating.  I’ve read many different books on the subject.  All of them having many valid points.  Each one of them kind of coming from a different paradigm. Many of them are full of wisdom principles, and many of them are full of opinions based on each writer’s personal experiences.   However, the Bible doesn’t really talk about the actual subject of how to go about dating in terms of:  whether or not we should go on dating websites; go out a lot on one-on-one dates or only do it through community; or make sure we hear from God about His choice of a mate for us.    Our beliefs about all of these things come from our own experiences and worldview.   We all have different needs according to our past, and we all are wired differently in what our hearts can handle in our lives. So, of course, we all have different paradigms!

The Bible does discuss the matters of the heart as a matter of character.   It describes the values and virtues that should govern the life of a believer, that should govern the life of every believer whether single or married.   It talks of sexual purity, honesty, sincerity, unconditional love, unselfishness, honor, respect, etc.    I’ve focused a lot more on those principles in the last years.   I’d rather not argue with certain Christian single’s point of views on all the other matters.  God knows I’ve been pretty adamant about my views in the past.   Healthy discussions are needed in the Body of Christ, but arguing is not really profitable conversation.

How to choose where you sit!

  1. Be fully convinced and in faith in your own paradigm for dating. 

Whether or not you “kissed dating goodbye” or you “date whomever you want whenever you want” it’s up to each person to do what is in his heart to do what is right for them.  Some may exclaim that kissing dating goodbye ruined their lives, while others exclaim that it saved them from much heartache, and they met their mate in the context of community.  (You would have to read Joshua’s Harris book to fully understand this concept.)  Their love story was pure, beautiful, and completely designed by God.    I’m not taking sides with either point of view, and I don’t really feel the need to explain my point of view right now.  However, I do believe that,  “Each one should be full convinced in his own mind.” (Romans 14:5

I am navigating myself through this treacherous territory of my single life with my own “map” for this territory.   Is it ever changing?  Of course.   It’s a beautiful and wonderful life that I have, and I am in a great place right now. My new paradigm is from a vantage point that has brought me more satisfaction than I ever have had in my life.   I have thoroughly thought through it.   I have some very strong convictions that other singles might laugh at or disagree with.  And one of them is that I just don’t go out with any attractive Christian guy who asks me out.  It’s just not gonna happen.  Yes, I pray about it.  That’s cliche for some people, but not for me.   It’s real life.   I don’t want to date and date and date for months and months because everything appears hunky-dory only to later really seek the Lord for peace after I’ve fully emotionally invested myself in the relationship.  That’s an upside down paradigm that made me stand in a hurtful place for more than one season of my life.  Not going back there.   I am fully convinced and in faith that I am sitting in the right place now, and will stand in the right relationship for me at the right time.   It’s about stinking time I got to this point.   I’m healthier, truly happier, and have more purpose and vision than ever before.  How did I come up with this vision, well a whole lot of time consulting the Lord.  So above all else, make sure that you…

2. Consult God on His map for you and where He wants you to “sit”. 

Ask God the hard question….What paradigms do I have that are not your paradigms? I want to see the world essentially the way He sees the world. I want to see experiences and people the way He sees them. I want to not just THINK that I am perceiving things with my spirit, I want to KNOW that I am perceiving things with my spirit through His vantage point, so that my behaviors and attitudes about all things are pleasing to Him.  (Galatians 5: 16-24)   One of my mentors talked about the other night how we should be a people who pray with such great confidence that when we pray, we know – it shall be done. That’s having a paradigm that exists at a higher level, and not just based on what is naturally seen with the human eye.   Covey talks of how we see the world not as it is, but as we are. The Bible says:

1 John 4: 17   By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.

For years I read this as – I need to know myself by how God sees me, but that’s only one side of it.   Really and truly when I cultivate intimacy more and more with the One who created me, then I more fully know who I am.   My focus these days is in knowing Him, for this intimacy shapes my personal paradigm.   When I am living in the love of God, then I am truly living and all else flows from that place of intimacy.

1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Furthermore, if “where I stand is where I sit,”  then I want to make sure that I stay seated with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.   That takes a lot of effort and time, but it helps to keep my heart in the right place and ready to receive a mate at the right time.

Ephesians 2:4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

Fitting-In Is Too Much Work




I have been listening and watching the story of Grease, the Musical, because I am acting in the show this summer.    I’ve been doing much thinking about the story in this very lively song and dance show.   The basic storyline is all about, Sandra Dee, the girl who doesn’t really fit-in with the popular crowd.   She tries to just be herself, but in the end she realizes that she won’t be accepted by the popular crowd, nor by the guy she feels she really likes, unless she changes herself to be like them.   Sandy decides that she has to dress provocatively, smoke cigarettes, and be willing to “go all the way”  in order to get what she wants – the cute popular guy, and secondly – popularity with a capital P!

I feel great sadness for every person who has stooped to the level of becoming what they ARE NOT to attract the attention of people that they really never wanted to be like in the first place.   Why did Sandy originally not want to fit in with the popular girls and guys?  The popular girls and guys had completely opposite morals from her.   Not only did they drink, smoke, use foul language, and sleep around, they were insecure, insensitive, highly vain, and competitive with each other in really bad way.  (Cast members, please if you are reading this, don’t take offense to my character analysis.)

Somewhere in all of this, Sandy believed the lie that her value was in how accepted she was by the popular crowd.   At one point in my life, I felt a lot like Sandra Dee.  I’ve felt like, “It would sure be nice to completely fit-in, and not always stick out like a sore thumb because I am so different.  It would be nice to actually get the popular, stud-muffin boyfriend, and tons of attention by everyone by the way I dress.”  Seriously, just being honest.

For so long, it seemed like I had to really try hard not to do “this” and not do “that” as a Christian, in order to stand-out.  Sometimes I wasn’t even so sure if I was doing the right things for the right reasons.  I was just kind of following The Book, the best I could.  I was just trying my hardest to follow what I had been taught.   It was hard for awhile, then it just got easier.

Why and how did it get easier for me to stand-out from the popular crowd?  I made the choice to spend my time with the unpopular crowd, the crowd of people who were like me, who wanted to glorify God with their lifestyle and behavior choices.   I made the choice to sit and spend extra time with God and study his amazing Book of Life when others were just “hanging-out”. I believed that the price that I would have to pay to fit-in with the popular crowd was not worth losing my intimacy with God.

Over the years the intimacy that I have built with my Heavenly Father and Lover of My Soul is far better than getting all the attention from popular people.  Words can not describe how much better it really is to know you who you are and Whose you are.

Being rejected by certain people is not really a big deal when your identity has been fully developed through a relationship with God and His Word.  My own personal belief system of right and wrong comes from the Word of God, and it has become embedded in my soul.  My lifestyle and attitude has been shaped by what I have listened to and read the most.

When presented with many of the same worldly temptations on a day-to-day and weekend-to-weekend basis, it’s not really so hard to say no.  There are certain things I just don’t do.  There are certain places, I just don’t go.  I know I am the daughter of The King of Kings, and there are certain things that His kids just don’t do!   No questions asked.   (Sometime soon, I will share some of those things that sons and daughters of the King just should not be doing.)

At this time in your life, whether old or young, you may still find that it is work to stand-out, but my encouragement to you is – it will get easier the more you behold your Heavenly Father and His Word, and put yourself in right relationships with quality people who want the same thing.   We become more like the one whom we behold.

 9But you are A CHOSEN RACEA royal PRIESTHOODA HOLY NATIONA PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; 10for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.     11Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. 12Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation.   (1 Peter 2:9-12 NASB)